Parent: “Don’t do that.”
Child: “Why?”
Parent: “Because I said so.”
Child: “But why?”
Parent: “Because.”
Child: “Because why?”
Parent: “Because the washing machine is no place for a child!”
Child: Why not?”
Parent: “I quit…”
Child:”………:)……….why?”
Why are children so much better at learning and gathering information than adults? (see what I did there?)
Because they ask the magical question of WHY. Asking WHY is the single best way of gathering information there is on this planet! This is an invaluable skill in any professional, conversation, relationship and negotiation.
My theory is that it’s your ego and need to be liked that causes you to stop asking WHY. Here’s whyyyyy I say that…
EGO: We don’t want to admit that we don’t know something, but it could make us look weak. Weakness is not attractive, right?
NEED TO BE LIKED: We are afraid that asking WHY and uncovering sensitive or personal information will upset the other person and cause them not to like us. You might think “I don’t want to ask how much she makes because she might feel that I’m over-stepping my boundaries.”
Admittedly, asking WHY questions can be very uncomfortable for both parties. They may think that you are asking WHY questions so you can use their answer against them, and you might get frustrated that they won’t give you a straight answer.
Another thing to consider is that WHY can actually be seen as accusatory and negative. Like when you do something and someone asks you “Why did you do it THAT way?” implying that you did it wrong. That doesn’t feel good, does it?
That’s usually just their opinion of how something should be done rather than fact, but that’s a topic for another time.
The realistic downside to questioning is when you ask your boss why they chose to do things a certain way, and their ego is involved in their decision, they will get upset with you. Sorry, but it happens when people have a big ego and are in a position of (perceived) power. That’s when you can try using another way of asking this question… (see below)
Other ways to ask WHY is with WHAT and HOW questions, and in most cases a WHAT or WHAT MAKES question can easily replace a WHY question. Here’s an example of the same question asked three ways:
- “Why is that important?”
- “What makes that important?”
- “How would that help you?”
But no matter how you ask the question, you are still trying to find out the WHY, which is the reason for something.
- “Why do you want a new car?”
- “Why is having a pool int he backyard important?”
- “Why do I we only eat the ice cream AFTER dinner?”
- “Why would you date me?”
- “Why am I this way?” (see, you can ask yourself WHY questions)
One last thing, probing with WHY questions actually do help the person being asked too! The reality is that most people don’t think of why they DO, SAY or DESIRE something. We know about 60% of the reason, but often there is a hidden layer that we aren’t even consciously thinking about. Being asked WHY will make you think deeper about something, and cause you to uncover your own reasons for something.
As you can see, not only can asking WHY be fun, but beneficial for everybody in the conversation. And if you’re married and want to annoy your spouse, this is the perfect strategy to do so (and sleep on the couch).
Start asking WHY in any and all forms, and you will be more successful. No. Questions. Asked. (except for WHY)
Jake “Big Papa” Martincic
JakeMartincic.com 